When under attack it is easy to feel angst against the abuser stuffing them into a bag labelled "Rotten" and dismissing everything about them as ill-intentioned (if this is not a word it should be). Whilst in fact, if one is to take the old adage that there is good in all of us, then it would be safe to say that while in the heat of the battle, this good can seem deeply buried and unable to be located. Today I wanted to get inside the head of someone who justifies abusing others - here's what happened.
Upon reflection this morning I took on the role of a challenger (such as a barrister in court would be) and in my mind I role-played what I would say to a certain man who is presently abusing his wife and as I did so I learnt a valuable lesson - people abuse others who they see (or want to see) as less than themselves. They see them as broken, not good enough, annoying, damaged and worthless - herein lies a clue - if we ever feel this way about someone then we are probably abusing them in some small or maybe huge way. This is how my role-play panned out (I shall use fictitious names):-
"So John, you have been looking after your wife Jane for a long time now? How hard you have worked to keep her in a home and still she is so ungrateful.
You come home from a hard day's work and there she is, in front of the television doing nothing. To make matters worse, Jane has no concept of how hard it is at the office working away 8 hrs a day under such pressure. She can't possibly recognise the sacrifice you put in to ensure there is food on the table, bills are paid and the odd holiday here and there. There's no money tree - you are that money tree.
In order to save money you forgo driving your brand new $50,000 luxury car to take the hot, uncomfortable bus where you are crammed up like sardines in a can for 45 long miserable minutes twice a day rocking too and fro barely able to stand upright. It is rare you get a seat and this makes it more uncomfortable. And there Jane is, sitting on a comfy sofa all day watching television, surfing the net, glued to Facebook and living the easy life.
Jane has no concept of what it is to slave away or work for a living - no - she just wants to spend your hard earned money like it is her right to. There she is, every weekend in the supermarket stuffing chocolates, luxurious jars of sauces on special and biscuits along with other foods you will never see or taste again but it is you who is paying for it all. It is you who is providing the bacon and living on the lean whilst Jane gluts on the fats of your labour - how disrespectful of her - how cruel and dismissive she is of all your work. What right does she have doing this?
In fact, you resent the very thought of her sitting there in your comfy home that you provide each and every luxury for but you only get to enjoy it after work and on weekends - but you can't enjoy it can you John? Because she is there as a constant reminder of what you cannot have - freedom.
You are trapped in this money earning carousel to support a lifestyle that only your wife and daughter get to enjoy - it is unfair isn't it John? And it is unfair.
You try to make her see reason. Time and time again you turn that air conditioner or heater off when you come home from work because why does she need it? Surely if you can put up with it she can at least try to; after all, it is really not that hot or cold and all that money that is being burned up in electricity costs - the money that you have to earn - and you are not benefiting from. It is clearly understandable why you feel the way that you do about Jane and her lack of admiration for your gallant efforts in keeping her in such luxury.
And the fridge - it just chews up at that pay packet - it doesn't need to be that cold, just those few degrees higher and the cost cuts show on the electricity bill. That $20 saving each quarter makes such a difference in the scheme of things. After all, you are saving on petrol money not using your car - at a cost of $7 per day on the bus times 5 days means that I am forced to part with $35 a week just for the pleasure of my going to work to earn money so that you can spend it. They didn't have fridges in the old days and did very well thank you very much!
So John, you must be very disappointed that you have to provide for Jane and your daughter. Even though your daughter has fully grown now she has failed to get a job and help pay for her own way in life. She is just like her mother - does nothing all day and even goes out on weekends and doesn't tell you where she is going!!! How disrespectful!
John you are not respected in your home at all are you?
Oh how difficult it must be for you to put up with this. No wonder you refuse to sleep with Jane anymore. I can clearly see why you must be strict with her. No wonder you have gone to all your friends and neighbours looking for somebody, anybody who will understand how hard it is for you. Thank goodness you have Roger and Annie - they know how hard it is for you and even try to tell Jane she must be a more considerate loving wife to you - she needs to obey you and make life easier for you, you hard working poor, poor man.
How simply horrible it must have been for you when you realised that Jane could no longer walk on your arm but had to be pushed in a wheelchair; a broken woman. Now the whole world will see just how broken she is. Her fractured body displayed for the world to know you have a broken wife. No wonder you walk away from her in the shopping centre when she wants to make ridiculous purchases like kitty litter for the new kitten. Yet another mouth to feed! And obtained without your approval!
Oh John, if only you realised how many men face the same miserable realisation every day - that their wives are broken. They are not the perfect woman you married. They have flaws and as the years go by, those flaws become more obvious. They think for themselves - you find it harder and harder to control what they say and do. They find all sorts of ways to annoy you. How frustrating it must be that they are not what you want them to be.
I can only imagine your pain and disappointment seeing the woman you married have her own opinions, her own ideas, her own goals, all on your pay packet."
I know the above seems patronising but you know, after 2 husbands and witnessing so much in others, I truly think that there are men who think this way. I think that abuse stems from feelings of disrespect. That the respect that is expected doesn't materialise so what do you do with a dog or a child that is not respecting you? You mistreat it! Well, I don't and you probably wouldn't, but many people would and do.
Whip it into submission! Beat it until its obeys you! Elvis Presley and John Wayne did this and the women respected them for it - didn't they?
How easy it can be to slip into the role of abuser if all we have to do is to start thinking we have a right to demand respect and/or be admired for what we accomplish in life. How easily this transitions into feelings of resentment towards those who do not see our greatness ... our efforts and our magnificence. Even God himself destroys nations because they reject him!!! So why can't we destroy others who reject us?
Even children have this innate need to be respected, appreciated and loved and act-out if they feel rejected.
I think that by adjusting our thoughts to realise that we are all equal in the eyes of God and are willing to submit to his ways we can overcome these feelings of rejection by learning just how loved and valued we are by an omnipresent and omnipotent being - a loving father in Heaven and his son Jesus Christ.
When we truly understand our heritage then we can bypass all the tricks and lies of the adversary. We no longer desire or need to look for acceptance from others because we know that they are in the same position as we are - they lose power over us and therefore we are no longer pulled or swayed by their actions or intentions towards us.
Can John and Jane's marriage be salvaged? I believe it can. When and if John realises that Jane is not his responsibility she will no longer be a burden in his eyes and he may learn to love the goodness that she has to offer. When he starts treating her as a beautiful whole person and not some broken piece of furniture that no longer fulfils his needs then he will begin to see her strengths and passions. He may even begin to play an active role in allowing her to live a life beyond the bounds of her house where he has kept her prisoner for many years due to her disability.
When John embraces Jane as a whole person with her own personality, wants and needs, then decides to be willing to work with rather than against her needs, he will be a happier, healthier man and even learn to contribute to their marriage rather than sabotage it.
Likewise, when we contribute to others lives we are better for it - it doesn't take much to smile and brighten another's day even if they are miserable - it is their misery, not yours. This week, let's decide to allow the love and kindness that is in our hearts to overcome the temptation to react to others miseries - let's stop expecting others to appreciate us. Let's stop doing things for others with the thought of them returning the kindness - we don't need their accolades - after all, we're not doing anything for them - we are doing it for ourselves - and they benefit also.
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